Yesterday I went to the barber. I needed a haircut, so I went there, told them what I wanted, they cut my hair and I went home with a new haircut. Simple enough, right?
Well, if that were the case, this days entry would be done here. You see, I have a massive problem with depending on other people. I cannot, for the life of me, ask other people for help. If Iām bad at something, Iāll search for a guide on the internet or just give up. If I feel like shit, I go for a walk or just sit it out. Iād rather make my life so much more complicated than to take the easier route of just asking for help.
You wouldnāt believe the number of times, where I was pissed at myself for making my life so hard and miserable, just because I was scared of asking for help. So many times I was sitting in my room and feeling like absolute shit, thinking about calling a friend, maybe even just to talk a little, but than I didnāt, because maybe they werenāt in the mood and I was interupting whatever the fuck they were doing.
Now you might be confused what this has to do with going to the barber. Well, I feel the same way going to the barber, as I do making a routine appointment at the doctor, or calling the support when I have a problem with a product, or asking the staff at the supermarket where the fucking wholegrain wraps are. I always have this nagging voice in the back of my head that Iām not welcome wherever I am or where I want to go; that I am wrong in wanting something from them and for bothering them when they obviously have better things to do.
And so I went to the barber yesterday; I felt a little unease in my stomach, yet I wasnāt even on my way. Normally, I just bail at this point and put it off for another month. But I just went anyway. On the 5 minute walk to the barber, I felt more and more sick in my stomach. Yes, I had so much anxiety going there that I felt physically ill on the way there.
Another common occurence for my anxiety attacks is when I have to call somewhere for making an appointment or calling the support of whatever comapany I need support from. I run around for, I shit you not, an hour in my room with the phone in my hand and going through the list of things I have to say and what they are gonna say and if I actually need to call now, maybe this can wait for another, nope, this cannot wait, I already put it off for two weeks, but maybe, oh I can say Hello here is Ash, or maybe Hey there, no probably Good Evening, ah fuck this, Iāll call next week.
I managed to work on this a little bit. Iām better at controlling this with friends now than I was a few years ago. Now I donāt shit myself everytime I ask a friend whether they want to meet. But asking anyone for help on anything seems to be so impossible for myself. I feel like this shouldnāt be so hardā¦
Ash