Yesterday I went to the barber. I needed a haircut, so I went there, told them what I wanted, they cut my hair and I went home with a new haircut. Simple enough, right?

Well, if that were the case, this days entry would be done here. You see, I have a massive problem with depending on other people. I cannot, for the life of me, ask other people for help. If Iā€™m bad at something, Iā€™ll search for a guide on the internet or just give up. If I feel like shit, I go for a walk or just sit it out. Iā€™d rather make my life so much more complicated than to take the easier route of just asking for help.

You wouldnā€™t believe the number of times, where I was pissed at myself for making my life so hard and miserable, just because I was scared of asking for help. So many times I was sitting in my room and feeling like absolute shit, thinking about calling a friend, maybe even just to talk a little, but than I didnā€™t, because maybe they werenā€™t in the mood and I was interupting whatever the fuck they were doing.

Now you might be confused what this has to do with going to the barber. Well, I feel the same way going to the barber, as I do making a routine appointment at the doctor, or calling the support when I have a problem with a product, or asking the staff at the supermarket where the fucking wholegrain wraps are. I always have this nagging voice in the back of my head that Iā€™m not welcome wherever I am or where I want to go; that I am wrong in wanting something from them and for bothering them when they obviously have better things to do.

And so I went to the barber yesterday; I felt a little unease in my stomach, yet I wasnā€™t even on my way. Normally, I just bail at this point and put it off for another month. But I just went anyway. On the 5 minute walk to the barber, I felt more and more sick in my stomach. Yes, I had so much anxiety going there that I felt physically ill on the way there.

Another common occurence for my anxiety attacks is when I have to call somewhere for making an appointment or calling the support of whatever comapany I need support from. I run around for, I shit you not, an hour in my room with the phone in my hand and going through the list of things I have to say and what they are gonna say and if I actually need to call now, maybe this can wait for another, nope, this cannot wait, I already put it off for two weeks, but maybe, oh I can say Hello here is Ash, or maybe Hey there, no probably Good Evening, ah fuck this, Iā€™ll call next week.

I managed to work on this a little bit. Iā€™m better at controlling this with friends now than I was a few years ago. Now I donā€™t shit myself everytime I ask a friend whether they want to meet. But asking anyone for help on anything seems to be so impossible for myself. I feel like this shouldnā€™t be so hardā€¦

Ash