Back in Day 4 I talked a little about how I feel down when I leave a social gathering, be it a party with friends, visiting relatives, etc. Back then I attributed the sadness to the fear of maybe never having this fun again and I definitely think this is true to some degree, but I feel like there is more to it.
I had this feeling today again, when I was driving back home from visiting some of my relatives. I somehow couldn’t point to anything in the near future that I was excited for, nothing that I could consider the next event in my life — I felt lost and empty. In these moments, I feel like nothing that I did, nor anything that I have planned is worth anything, because it doesn’t help me with the one thing I struggle the most in life — loneliness.
The thing I realized is that I get sad and anxious after meeting friends, because I see and hear all the great things they do with their friends and especially their partners. How their life takes shape and moves forward. As for my relatives, they are older, already married, have kids and a house. I see all these things and wonder where I am currently standing in my own life. And to me, it seems like I’m still at the starting line waiting for the goal to come closer to me, instead of the other way around.
Ash