Did you ever want to just be part of anything so bad that you forgot to check whether you actually want to be part of it?
I always just wanted to find a place, a group of people or whatever, where I felt at home. Somewhere safe and warm and welcoming. The more time I was searching for a place, the less I asked myself the question whether I actually wanted to belong to these places.
As an example, even if I thought that I didn’t really fit into a group of people, I felt that I should want to be part of it. But because I didn’t fit in, I never became a part of it and because I felt that I should want it, I felt bad. Writing it out, makes me feel kinda stupid now — I felt bad for not being part of a group I didn’t even want to be part in in the first place.
It seems so obvious in retrospect, but without knowing this you just feel bad everytime you see something that you could be part of, but aren’t — and it hurts. At least now with this knowledge I can look at these situations from a different perspective.
At last, I’m asking myself the important question: do I even want this?
Ash