I donated blood today. Even though this was my third time to go there, I wasn’t comfortable going there on my own. As always, I was kinda afraid of other people. The thought of doing something alone, not having anyone that you could look to, even to just laugh something stupid off, makes me anxious.
I wanted to go donate bloood a few months ago, but no one I knew had the time to join me, so I just postponed it. Then a friend of mine said he’s gonna join me and we went today together with my brother.
At these blood donation sites they usually provide food and drinks at the end, so we sat down there and ate a little. Shortly after us, a girl sat down on the other side at another table. She was alone there, but not for long. Another guy sat down next to her, they didn’t know each other, but they started a little conversation and talked about something.
I feel like I’m missing out on these small conversations with people I don’t know at all or very little. I usually don’t engage in conversation unless I’m approached by someone and even then I feel uncomfortable. I live in the comfort zone of talking to close friends; people that I can predict. Not knowing where something is headed, not being in control makes me afraid and yet, there is beauty in the unknown. I could learn so much from the unknown, yet I hide from it thinking it might hurt me. Somehow this way of living sounds wrong.
I already touched on this topic briefly in Day 42/43, when I talked about my wardrobe change and reflecting my inner world to the outside. Back then I mentioned that I want to become the main character of my own life. If I cannot find someone who will do something with me, I’ll just not do it. I put the responsibility of living my own life into the hands of other people. I still don’t know how to tackle this problem, but I make little steps to feel more comfortable on my own.
This is a journey that will last for a long time to come, but I feel like I am making progress towards a more fulfilled life. I mean, after months of good care, my little sunflower Lena is finally blooming, so if I care enough for myself, I will bloom someday, too 😊
Ash